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See it on the silver screen

Posted: January 27, 2012 - 2:45pm

My husband and I really enjoy movies. It’s not like we are glued to the couch and a couple of hambeasts, it’s about the pleasure of watching a great story unfold. If we rent a couple of good movies we’re excited about, but our family wants us to hang out, I just tell them we can’t because I took an arrow to the knee and “kneed” rest.

Movies are great, because when we’re glaring at each other, we can both tolerate sitting on a couch to watch a movie. If it’s a funny movie, it usually turns our frowns upside down. If it’s a sad movie, I usually apologize. If it’s a romantic movie I punch him in the arm and yell, “He took her in a helicopter over a waterfall to propose!? Would that be so hard to do? Is that so much to ask?” Because lucky for him, I’m a real peach about romantic movies.
We try to go to the theater when the good movies come out. We usually drop off our kids at an unprepared relative’s house and are halfway out of the driveway when they realize our kids have signs around their necks saying, “Congratulations. Feed the children”.

At the theater I’m kinda picky with my snacks and drink. Get the Sour Patch Kids, because they are delicious and the only kind of kids that won’t interrupt your movie. Don’t get a large soda, or you’ll probably have to take a potty break and miss the best part of the movie, then in the heat of rage throw your fists in the air to your own demise. A large soda wouldn’t be an issue if you could take bedpans in there, but it’s probably not a real attractive move while on a date. “Excuse me, while I set up my ... bedpan ...” Get a small soda.

The movie starts and for some reason the side lights don’t really dim. We are stuck on the side usually, because my husband is a human giraffe. It doesn’t help that sometimes his hair looks like someone frightened a porcupine, then glued it to his head. On the other hand I’m short and people love sitting behind me. But since I sympathize for my people, we sit in the appropriate seating available.

We watched “War Horse.” Don’t get all crazy on me, but I’m not a huge animal person. They’re nice to look at and everything, but growing up in a family of serious hunters means that if I made friends with every Bambi and Thumper along the way, I would constantly be in the depths of depression. If every furry friend and doe-eyed moose touched my heart, I’d be in a coma. My husband who knows me better than anyone asked me, “How is it that we’re at a horse movie?” Because it’s a heartfelt drama! Yay!

Here’s the thing with dramas: I’m a mess. Everything moves me, which means I can’t get a grip on myself when something touching happens. It’s at the point that when the right kind of music starts playing, my daughter quickly turns to me and says, “Mom. Don’t cry.”

What’s even worse is that I have a specific cry just for movies. It’s a weepy, weird grunting sound that happens right before the tears fall. It’s like lifting weights that are too heavy, and right there at that last moment you grunt a little and it gives way to my waterworks. I guess you could say, its the heavy weights of emotion that moves me.

So there we are. The bright light on the side of the theater is shining down onto my mangled cry face, while I whisper, “Don’t die Joey.... not yet ... hold on ...” and my husband is like, “Why am I here?” And at the end of the movie, like at the end of most movies, there is always some sort of intense moment where the inspirational music gets louder and it zooms in on someones face and everyone slowly starts clapping or gasping and you can just feel the unicorns flying around the theater dropping happy bombs onto the audience, and soon enough ... I see that I’m not the only one crying. I’m no fool! This Spielberg knows what he’s doing! And he’s good. He’s real good.

So anyways. Movies in general are a passionate subject for me. I appreciate both Netflix and Blockbuster. It can get pretty bleak in the winter time for some of us, maybe it’s not a bad time to check out a new release or rent an older feel-good movie. You can also check out videos and DVDs at most local libraries for free.

Now if only I could end a column like they do in the movies ... soft clapping, getting louder, full blown crowd is cheering!

Kasi McClure enjoys being a wife and mother of two in Kenai. She can be reached at columnkasi@gmail.com.

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