Can a man change his stars?
Or, more specifically, is it ethically OK for the editor to tweak the horoscope just a little to mess with his kids?
Of course, the answer to that question is clearly no. But it certainly would be a lot of fun.
You see, the daily horoscope is a big deal in our house. The rest of the paper is frequently strewn about the kitchen in our rush to get to that page first.
The content of the horoscope is prime fodder for breakfast table taunting — “Oh, I’m having a five-star day and you’ve only got three, nanny-nanny-boo-boo,” or words to a similar effect.
But with a just a few keystrokes, I could change that dynamic — “Oh look, you’ve both got two stars every day for the rest of the month, too bad, so sad.”
Or maybe I could leave the stars alone, and delve into the advice portion. I’ve got great advice for my kids, which often seems to go unheeded. In fact, that might be my first pearl of wisdom to dispense: Listen to your father, he’s not as clueless as you think.
I’d also submit this one for consideration: In order to have time to finish your breakfast, you should consider getting out of bed sooner.
I wouldn’t make it all about me. I’m sure my wife would appreciate this one: Keeping your room clean makes others around you happy.
Or maybe this: Be aware of the needs of others before using all the hot water in the shower.
Or how about this one: Wash your the syrup off your hands before putting them all over everything else in the kitchen, especially the stainless steel refrigerator door.
I would have other suggestions to enhance our domestic tranquility: Tonight, consider letting your father pick the TV show you watch.
Or this one: Unless you really want him to get involved, don’t ask your father to settle disputes with your siblings — you might not like his solution.
They wouldn’t all be about keeping the kids in their place, though. For instance, if one of them were having a tough week, I could tweak one to suggest that today is going to be better, or at least add a star — or two, if it’s been a really bad week.
Or I could write something for a confidence boost before a big test or athletic competition: You are properly prepared to kick some butt!
But like I said, playing with the horoscope would not be appropriate. After all, someone has really worked hard to decipher the movements of the stars and what they portend in our daily lives.
Far be it from me to mess with that.
So I guess we’ll just have to live with the stars as they’re published in the paper.
Looking at today’s horoscope, I see that I’m set up for a three-star day, while both of my kids have four stars.
Great. Looks like it’s nanny-nanny-boo-boo on me.
Clarion editor Will Morrow can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.