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Everybody’s got to be somewhere, but I don’t understand the need to crowd in front of the television set whenever a zombie series or movie is broadcast.

Zombies are en vogue now, though I have no idea why. They’re merely dead people passing for alive, walking around, disemboweling or beheading actual living people.

Now, I don’t have a problem with reanimated people trying to step out for a bite, but if I wanted to sit through hours of bloody injuries and mayhem, I’d watch a repeat of the recent Georgia-Tennessee football game. Zombies don’t have a subtle bone in their bodies, and the carnage gets old quickly.

Zombies just walk around grunting, with their arms raised, out for blood. What is the big deal, folks? If you’re scared of a zombie, you’re pretty much scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Just run away; they’re not that fast. They are the modern equivalent of mummies.

You see, when I was a kid, there were a lot of movies about mummies terrorizing the campus, the museum or the neighborhood. Mummies didn’t run, so it should have been simple to keep from becoming mummy bait.

A lot of people love The Walking Dead, which is Zombie Central. I watched one episode and saw more brains than in a joint meeting of Congress, so no thanks. I’ve seen enough blood in my life.

It’s not just the slow-paced ineptness of the undead and the bloodshed that bug me. I simply don’t see the allure.

I’ve read that the director of 1968’s Night of the Living Dead said the film was a metaphor for America’s crumbling social order during the Cold War and amid war and assassinations and nuclear fear. I suppose, but as I watched its newly dead trying to break into a house to get to the tasty people inside, all I could think of was the need for neighborhood watch programs.

Give me a good monster any day on my TV screen. A Tyrannosaurus rex, a gigantic gorilla, a horrific (space) alien – those I can respect and maybe fear. But, hey – all you zombies – take a hike!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I can’t believe you’re 12 today, Camden. You’re a very mature preteen, with your mind always on your next baseball game or the weekend’s football games or maybe one of your sports video games. I don’t know how you’ve had time to store up all the stats you can reel off about sports, but I have no doubt that if I ask you how your favorite team just performed, you will know all the details.

You’re a fierce competitor, an impressive pitcher, catcher, shortstop and, especially, grandson, and at our house you’re always in the backyard tossing a football or anything else you can find.

Your Nana has been to more of your games than I have this year, and we both love to watch you excel. Keep up the good work!

Reach Glynn Moore at glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.

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