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Looking for an adult inside the Beltway

Posted: October 26, 2013 - 12:42pm

Congress continues to amaze the masses or, if you’re into dark humor, amuse. Our supposedly mature and distinguished representatives have been running around verbally giving each other the bird over budget and health care issues while sending selected employees on furloughs that amounted to paid vacations even though most of them would probably have preferred to stay on duty knowing recompense would be forthcoming. 

Excuse me? Did I miss something here? It looks like certain reps threw a nuclear snit fit and slammed accesses shut just because they could. Several “some ones” need a major time out along with a couple of whacks to the butt with a well seasoned frat house initiation paddle.

First they take a horde of government employees, brand them as “nonessential” and send them home to explain that denigrating designation to their wife and kids while pulling a tarp over the Grand Canyon and cutting off Yogi Bear’s picnic supply source at Jellystone Park.

What were those clueless congressional coneheads trying to prove? One side of the House aisle was constantly on the defensive trying to convince the general public that their budget position wouldn’t reduce the elderly to gumming Kibbles and Bits for dinner while seeking medical care from unlicensed veterinarians. The other side scurried around trying to portray themselves as benevolent philanthropists who were going make sure everyone got an equal piece of what was left of the economy as long as they didn’t have to share their particular stash and were exempt from any new rules that might impact lawmaker’s personal perks.

As the arguments raged it seemed to get to a point where most of them were so addicted to exaggeration that some members couldn’t tell the truth without lying.

Trying to digest all of the political rhetoric was enough to make a vulture power hurl.

Vetoes were flying around the White House faster than any graspable object that the president’s wife would have hurled if someone had suggested that she should bake some cookies and stay out of the political limelight for awhile.

The stock market experienced some vacillating seizures and in a few weeks, will once again, be on the edge of heading into the toilet to chill out with the Tidy Bowl dude every time budget committee members cast aspersions as to which side is more closely related to a female pooch while refusing to vote on each other’s proposals.

I’m astonished that a formerly unheard of conservation group hasn’t surfaced protesting the fact that our representatives are flagrantly squandering a vital resource by breathing oxygen while frittering away perfectly good vowels during talking-point bloviations.

If it wasn’t for the fact that we are rocketing toward an important election year, these groupies of the Three Stooges culture would be back to sipping free lobbyist moonshine and voting on measures such as establishing a National Apathy Week or funding cottage cheese sculptures.

If you listen closely to various pompous postulators you’d swear that they have the IQ of a single ounce serving of tofu and have never had a blood test because of their fear of failure.

If these reps keep it up they’ll be blaming each other for the lack of penguins in the Arctic Sea and get so nasty that they’ll start breaking each other’s crayons bringing any shot of cross party communications to an abrupt halt.

I wonder if they realize that they have become so redundant in their snide remarks and blame-hurling that most of us would reap more intellectual stimulation from counting the bristles on a toothbrush than listening to their songs of whine and rudeness.

Hey, but what the hell, we’ve all known for a long time that political animals are predisposed to verbal flatulence. It’s just too bad that these yazzihampers inside the Washington D.C. Beltway seemed to have quaffed an extra pitcher of high yield lager along with a platter of mega bean burritos before they commenced their latest round of vitriolic debates. 

Something has to give soon or both parties will end up resembling the hapless dweebs and organizational imbeciles in the Dilbert cartoons. Of course, in that nifty little world of satire and wild wit, Scott Adams, the creator of the strip, claims the only way to deal with annoying idiots is by using specially trained German shepherds. These finely tuned animals immediately recognize when a buffoon is about to bluster and burst into the forum sinking their teeth into the malcontent dragging him/her into the hallway. This may sound dreadfully cruel but the dogs actually seem to enjoy it.

Maybe if we tried this approach once or twice in the House of Representatives and/or the Senate, we’d get some positive results we could all sink our teeth into.  

Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe we should try and avoid problems such as the pitfalls of the Affordable Care Law rollout and set up a test run.

When do they reconvene in Juneau?

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.

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