January gmail house cleaning

Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2010

Now that January has rolled around, it's once again time to clean out some stuff from the old g-mail inbox and answer highly screened questions that have been gathering cyber dust for a few months.

The following inquiries were selected for their semi clarity, acceptability for a family newspaper and the belief that the authors could drive a vehicle without the fear of arrest for being seriously impaired. Needless to say, those provisos didn't leave me much to operate with, but here we go.

Nick: I understand that you are an ex-football player and a huge fan of the Seattle Seahawks. Hopefully your college team was better than the sea chickens. Why waste your time rooting for those losers?


Yo, J.D.: Chill, my friend. I have it on good authority that the Seahawks will reorg this year and come out smoking next season. Rumor has it that they will affiliate with a Pop Warner group and destroy their competition ending up in the Pathetic Bowl facing off with either the Oakland Raiders or the Detroit Lions who will battle it out in the finals of the Pee Wee Football National League. Hopefully it should be an easy season for all three teams as long as their opposition doesn't field a team taller than their kneecaps.


Mr. Varney: I have read your column for years and really enjoy your unique and pointed humor. I must say though that sometimes you come across as rather antagonistic toward some liberal ideals and thinking. Are you a hard-core conservative or just playing with words to see how much dust you can raise? I imagine that sometimes you must get a lot of mail from readers on my side of the fence that don't have a sense of humor and think that you are picking on them for political reasons.

Barry T., Fairbanks

Hi Barry: First of all I want to thank you for such a lucid and temperate letter. Usually when the dark-side lights up my e-mail box, I have to wipe off my screen to clear the electronic spittle and call in someone to exorcise the hard drive because of the language.

I'm actually an independent and delve into politics only when some negative IQ or organization issues a policy or statement so idiotic that it makes them look like they'd lose a game of Tic Tac Toe to a mentally impaired duck. For example, some of the representatives of PETA give loons a bad rap when it comes to the use of the word.

I also have a hard time dealing with the fact that the head of the Environmental Protection Agency may be going to declare that carbon dioxide is a pollutant thus making the human race a hazardous waste dump because we exhale the stuff. This could be a catastrophe for environmental zealots who may become instantly extinct if they participate in the next global warming protest by collectively holding their breaths to avoid leaving a carbon footprint. On the positive side, noise pollution will be drastically reduced.


Nick: Now that we have started a new decade do you think that mankind will see another one? The Mayan calendar ends on the 2012 winter solstice and many believe that will be the end of life as we know it. Any thoughts on this theory or does a humorist give a $#^!?

Terry Lynn, Eugene, Ore.

Wow, Terry Lynn: What kind of question is that to ask of a professional smart alec? First of all I'd like to gently remind you that this decade doesn't end until Dec. 31, 2010. It's a simple number progression; example, 1-10 not 0-9. Oh never mind, I don't want my e-mail box blowing up on me.

Now to the Mayan calendar question. The only thing that I know about that theory is that it comprises a collection of eschatological beliefs that predict that some very annoying events are going to roll between Dec. 21 and Dec. 23, 2012. The Mayans weren't talking about a stock market crash but the fact that there may not be anyone left to collect on their 401(k)s. I personally won't take any stock in this speculation until I find out the banks aren't contracting for tide books for 2013, then it's party time until the roof blows off. I wonder if the Mayans also knew we have a presidential election that year? Nah.


Unfortunately I've run out of column space so I'll close things out by saying thank you for all of your g-mails both funny and rabid. It was a great year.

Keep them coming until at least 2012.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.

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