Posted: Sunday, May 23, 2010

No doubt, you've heard of aromatherapy. Maybe you or a loved one has even tried it, only to find that all the hype and medicinal claims were at best, questionable. Thanks to progressive studies conducted at the MAAMAS (Maternal Alliance Against Mediocre Aromatherapy Scents) Center for Scientific Research, there's now hope. Several years ago, it's founder, Dr. Emesis Pukis theorized that "common scents" were more likely to evoke powerful emotions and possess healing properties than the fancy-schmancy products currently on the market.

She further postulated that the more closely that aromas authentically related to the cultural context of women, the more effective they would be in providing the relief, reprieve and rest they so richly deserve.

So, if your laundry detergent failed to invigorate and renew you while enriching your inner being with a calming tropical sea breeze-scented stain removing bliss ...

Or if your Liquid Love Herbal and Botanically Infused Organic Hand Soap did not restore the youthful luster of your water logged digits with a blend of aloe and some kind of oil you can't pronounce while the chamomile soothed and pampered your cranky uptight self ...

Or if your new window cleaner boasted that it was lemon scented, wake up and smell the NH3! (Hello -- you are NOT supposed to be sniffing the ammonia!)

Don't despair, now, thanks to years of product development and advances in creative advertising Aromomtherapy is now available (subject to credit card approval for women and for the men who cower in fear at the thought of even mentioning the remote possibility of PMS adore them. With Aromomtherapy now women of all ages can safely alleviate almost all of the most distressful physical symptoms of stress and fatigue. So, even if you did not adequately deliver on Mother's Day, or her birthday, if you gave her an IOU for a massage two Christmases ago and if your current residence is "The Dog House" or if you are simply attempting to accumulate points in advance for fishing season, here are a few new products you might consider next time you shop for yourself or the special lady in your life:

Baby Me: A mild blend subtly reeking of spit-up and baby powder with mild overtones of strained peas. This elixir comes in a spray or lotion form. It has the power to evoke memories of scrumptiously squishy baby cheeks and long sleepless nights.

Recommended to help lessen the effects of overactive grade-school aged children, spirited teens, menopause and grandparenthood. Apply daily and repeat one or all recommended mantras, "It's your turn to change the baby"; "Just wait till you have little children of your own"; "I haven't got up for a midnight feeding since I stayed up all night to watch a Chick-Flick with the girlfriends"; "I am happy being an auntie."

*This formula has not been proven effective in mother's with children under 6 years of age.

Wet Dog Dipped in Flea Spray & Rolled in Salmon: A progressively earthy mixture of damp canine with surprisingly pungent notes ranging from sockeye to aged silver salmon with a bold seasoning of sour trash ... customers have raved about how this aromatic spray can settle even the worst martial disputes. Simply give your sweetheart a bottle and tell her, "I am sorry, you right, I am wrong" and allow her to spray down her choice of your favorite sporting equipment.

*Due to a high demand supplies are limited.

Citrus Action Yell and Scream: Both a empowering and invigorating tonic developed from a long list of secret ingredients we like to call "What Died in The Fridge and WHY The HECK Did You Leave Your Secret Bait Fish Lure Paste in MY BLENDER HUH!? HUH!? Huh!?" This powerfully cathartic mouthwash is guaranteed to leave even the most uncheerful mum feeling refreshed and emotionally balanced.


Pairs nicely with Dog Dipped in Salmon or Allice for serious upsets.

Allnice: A deceptively intoxicating concentration uses the subtle power of fragrances such as: Lemon Pledge, Pine-sol and Comet essence layered with actual clean linen and take out Italian. Users reported a heightened sense of calm, a restored ability to concentrate, reduction in the need to make honey-do lists and the ability to read a book in peace. Allnice cleverly creates an illusion that someone else has cleaned and cooked. Therefore a sense happiness is created and disturbed conditions improve as thoughts clean toilets restores equilibrium by harmonizing energy imbalances that protect the atmosphere from negative influences stimulates and centers the being in the female day planner chakra. Lowers frustration levels at stop signs. Allnice is known to be a brain stimulant, a calming confidence enhancer, an anti-depressive, a headache reliever, an insomnia cure, and in general an all around psychosomatic symptoms reliever. In addition, Allnice promotes feelings of optimism and increases the ability to release resentments while promoting a steadying influence on the psyche tempering extreme emotional states with a sense of rationality. Counteractive for a myriad of imbalances: stress, anger, depression, hypertension, motion sickness, RMC (remote control Syndrome) , fatigue, acne, wrinkles and general malaise. Slightly lowers hunger related mood swings, gently sedative, reduces varicose veins and agitation, increases faith devotion and virtue. Lowers ill thought out verbal responses and strengthens the lower back. One of our most versatile oils, it can be sprayed, gargled, slathered on or simply gulped in emergency situations. Although we are still discovering new uses for Allnice users have reported increased desire to attend family functions.

*Restrictions Apply. In all fairness, not available to partners who have not purchased at least two 20-ounce vials of Dog Dipped in Flea Spray and Rolled in Salmon or an extra large combo package of Citrus Yell and Scream.

Cinnabon: A sweet and spicy poultice that has the distinctive soothing effect of ingesting fatty carbs used since ancient times to re-establish balance and harmony in the body and in the many levels of our being.

Camp-or: Not to be confused with Camphor. Destined to become the Chanel No. 5 of Aromomtherapy. A gusty whiff of the great outdoors including, but not limited to: moldy sleeping, musty socks, stale marshmallow, burnt camp coffee and Recycled Pork and Beans. Simply light a the Camp-or incense stick, start discussing camping plans that include the little lady doing all the cooking -- then suggest "You can go camping--or..." A very popular item during the August rainy season so order early.

Please see Nasal-oil for special offer.

Nasal-oil: Unlike the distress and discomfort reliever, Neroli, Nasal-oil is a real kick in the pants. For centuries healers have known that laughter is a universal cure all. And now, for a limited time only, with a full order of all our products we will ship to you our newest, charming little stinker sampler. Although the ingredients are propriety information we guarantee they are both completely safe and natural. Close your eyes, inhale and in an instant the user will be transported to funnier times. In a triple-blind study sniffers reported that they experienced crack-up-ingly funny flashbacks of pranks, hilariously gassy family get togethers, cheese cutting laughter and rip-roaring good times. Sampler Includes: Scratch and Sniff Black Beans; What? Did Something Die in Here?; Recycled Pork-n-Beans; and our favorite, Roll Down the Window! Order now and we'll include a sampler signed by Larry the Cable Guy -- what are you waiting for? Order now and Get'er Done!

Jacki Michels is a freelance writer who loves camping with her family -- as long is it is not raining. Hold the beans ...

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