Spoof targets oil platforms

Posted: Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Ever wonder what happened to Cook Inlet’s penguins? Ask Cook Inlet Keeper Bob Shavelson and he’ll probably tell you how the oil platforms wiped them out.

Do you have any idea what an oil platform does to an ice floe when the tides’s running hard? Well, the platform’s legs rip through that ice like the plasma cannon on a Romulan battle cruiser.

In the 1960s, Cook Inlet’s water ran redder and redder with the installation of each new platform. The penguins who were crushed to death were the lucky ones. Dazed, mutilated penguins bobbing around. Momma penguins torn from their young — nothing is more pitiful than the chirping and gesticulations of a terrified baby penguin as it is being swept away.

Emulating the Cook Inlet Keeper’s successful businesses model, we’re forming a nonprofit corporation — Penguins First! — and we’ll attract the foundation grants required to buy the oil platforms so we can tear them out by their roots. Next, we’ll reverse this atrocity by releasing 1,000 colorful Emperor penguins to Kachemak Bay waters.

And until the penguins become acclimated to their new home, we’ll hire College of the Redwoods summer interns to swim among them and feed them flesh of the plumpest oilfield workers — we have to do something with them, as one Homer public radio caller once pointed out — “Oil people simply aren’t the right type of people for Alaska!”

Follow your heart! Send your tax-deductible contribution to Penguins First!

Of course, this is a spoof but if anyone does send money, I’ll see to it that Bob gets it, his outfit’s the next best thing.

Eric Treider


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