Close encounters of the Kenai kind

Unhinged Alaska

Posted: Sunday, November 04, 2007

I had been composing a formidable grumble regarding an issue that continues to irritate the hell out of me. A certain telephone company promised me DSL over a year and a half ago and now they're claiming it was impossible to do in the first place. Their stance has seriously steamed my chops but recent events have put the rant temporarily on hold. Trust me. I will revisit the subject very soon and share some customer service conversations that made less sense than Einstien trying to discuss quantum physics with a gerbil.

The subject of this tome will be UFOs. Yep. Ever since a green cloud slid beneath the Homer harbor's breakwater a couple of months ago strange events have been reported to Unhinged Alaska's headquarters. Telephone messages were left on my "loon line" stating that witnesses had spotted weird lights floating over Kachemak Bay after midnight on the Sept. 21 and 22. Both parties sounded sober which was unusual because most callers give the impression that they've just emerged from a vat of Jack Daniels.

I figured someone was trying to give me a mind wedgie until e-mails started hitting the gmail box describing essentially the same phenomenon on the same nights. They described two to three triple light formations hovering over the bay followed by descending glowing objects that seem to twirl and change direction then terminate in the water.

That did it. I pondered notifying the mayor that there could be cooties in the water supply. It was either that or the latest crop of the peninsula's Thunderfunk had gone impressively bad. The more I contemplated the sightings the more I was convinced that there had to be a rational explanation such as black helicopters and bionic ninja special forces conducting night training maneuvers after the adult emporiums closed for the evening.

I decided to pass the information on to a local professional who knows more about outer space and extraterrestrial beings than the combined staffs of the Discovery and Sci-Fi Channels. I'm not sure if I can use his name so I'll just refer to him as M.A. His response was immediate and surprising. He said that he had received some pictures from a person who said she spotted strange lights on Sept. 4. I took a look at the photos and was startled to note how closely they resembled the observations that I had received. Things suddenly moved to the Outer Limits of the Twilight Zone. M.A. also mentioned that the Air National Guard did some training on the night of Sept. 17, with para dudes leaping out of choppers. But, none of the dates matched.

Dodeedodo dodeedodo

I was still vacillating whether to write about the bay possibly becoming an Alaska Roswell/Area 51.5 or taking a whack at the DSL fiasco when another memo came in from M.A. This time he had received info from a reporter on Kodiak stating that "something fell out of the sky over Kodiak just before 7 this morning (Sept. 25)." A couple of people said the light was so bright that they thought it was a helicopter shining a light on them. Another observer said it flashed like it was losing debris. Troopers on the Kenai said they had received calls about seeing lights in the sky too.

I decided that my angst with the phone company could wait. I pulled up Google, typed "Alaska UFOs" and started to research close encounters of the Kenai kind. It didn't take long to find this little jewel from a blog site.

"Date of Event: 9/16/07, in the evening, around 7 or 8 p.m.

Location of Event: West Anchorage, I saw it from Raspberry Rd. going west. It looked like it was above the Kincaid area.

Message: When I first noticed it, there was a smaller sized ball of white light next to a larger one. The larger ball of light then appeared to actually split into two after stretching out long ways then becoming three separate balls of white light. They moved slowly it seemed and also looked like they went off in a formation of the 3. Never seen anything like it and I know what I saw was not a plane or anything."

Dodeedodo dodeedodo

I wish that I could have gleaned more information before my deadline but dial-up systems take more time than milking a herd of slugs. That means I won't have info on any October sightings until holiday turkeys assume room temperature.

Maybe it's wireless time.

Nick C. Varney can be reached at if he isn't inadvertently beamed up by extraterrestrials taking a crack at dragging his dog Howard back to its home planet of Mutantcurs.

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