I’m getting the itch again. That nagging feeling that something needs to change … something drastic. That same crawling sensation under my skin compelled me in the past to chop off my hair or dye it red, to quit my job and find a new one or move across state lines. This is not the time for moves, but I feel the need to reinvent myself again.

Every day for months I have forced myself to stumble down to the basement for my early morning run. I’ll run with aching ankles and knees, I’ll run with a pounding headache, I’ll run after poor sleep or with a fever or with the worst thoughts on my mind. I cannot skip it, because on the few occasions that I have, the guilt and anxiety plagued me until I could compensate for that laziness the next morning. I make my eggs and fruit for breakfast and pack my kale and cabbage salad with tofu for lunch. I eat my apple on the drive home from work and serve myself the smallest portion of dinner I can justify before I drop onto my bed to rest before my 3:45 alarm.

Maybe this time when I go to scratch that itch, I’ll make the most drastic change of all, and finally convince myself that I deserve to exist exactly as I am. That whatever I hope to achieve through this punishment is not, and never was, necessary. Shrugging off the bony hands on my shoulders is terribly difficult work, and the effort I use to contend with my toxic companion has left me depleted in so many ways.

Tomorrow I’ll add one piece of toast to my breakfast and pack a different lunch … still a salad, though. This salad is exciting, complex, and has a much kinder kale to carb ratio.

Roasted Cauliflower, Sweet Potato and Buckwheat Salad

Ingredients (for meal prepping-3 lunches):

1 head cauliflower

1 large white sweet potato

1 cup shredded kale

½ cup buckwheat (uncooked)

¼ red onion, finely chopped

½ cup cherry tomatoes, cut in half

½ teaspoon turmeric

¼ teaspoon cinnamon

For the dressing:

1 ½ tablespoons tahini

2 tablespoons lemon juice

Fresh parsley for garnish.

1 tablespoon honey or agave syrup

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Cook your buckwheat according to package instructions and spread out on a parchment lined tray to cool. Be sure to separate the grains as much as possible.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.

Dice the sweet potato and toss in a little olive oil. Spread out over half the sheet tray and season with salt and cinnamon.

Break the cauliflower down into bite sized pieces and move to a mixing bowl.

Toss in olive oil first, then season with salt and turmeric, using your hands to mix and gently massage until the cauliflower is evenly coated. Spread out on the other half of the baking tray.

Roast for 20-25 minutes, until the potatoes are tender.

Whisk together the dressing ingredients in a small bowl.

Build your salad using about 1/3 of the ingredients per portion. Wait until just before serving to add the dressing and to mix the components.