Nick Varney (File)

Nick Varney (File)

Unhinged Alaska: I was already grumpy, then Ma Nature took a swing

I don’t know why I find taxes taxing.

A glacial mist, goaded on by a mischievous breeze, was stealthily easing up the cabin’s steps as I stepped out on the deck to retrieve the morning newspaper.

I had spotted the opaque creature engulfing the Homer Spit when I first arose and wondered if its appetite would be satiated before it reached the level of our cabin.

It wasn’t and its aggressive rudeness and the developing wind didn’t help to quell my already sullen mood.

ADVERTISEMENT
0 seconds of 0 secondsVolume 0%
Press shift question mark to access a list of keyboard shortcuts
00:00
00:00
00:00
 

Nor, did the fact that the IRS had just proclaimed that we had until May 17 to file our taxes.

I wanted to get the yearly slog through paperwork and scattered receipts finished so I could move on to really fun stuff like dealing with gas prices soaring like a SpaceX rocket launch and interest rates so low, that if I had a 50 grand in savings, the monthly interest on it wouldn’t be enough for a side of fries to compliment a quarter pounder.

So, as the salt-garnished crystals somberly drew a hoary curtain over the cabin, I plodded back to my old, half-peeled, bonded-leather chair to stare at an ancient Dell as the wintery shroud attempted to squeeze the light out of the newborn dawn.

The reason I get a grump on and loathe this time of year is because I’m always balancing on the cusp of having to decide if I should take the standard deduction or jump off the accounting cliff into the swirling whirlpool of being deduction-enabled enough to realize a better refund. Which, of course, requires a safari into the wilds of our filing system that sometimes resembles more of a maze than a detailed road map of last year’s financial journey.

As I sat there rolling mental dice hoping to toss a standard deduction winner, I had a flash of sanity. Why all of the dread and uncertainty? Why all of this, once a year, angst and drama? I’m a freelance writer. A standard deduction should be an easy call.

Every time I try to itemize, I come across as a shoe-in entry into the IRS’s comedy tax return competition even though I make sure to steer clear of taking a shot at deducting pallets of printing paper, legal pads and enough printer ink to publish a metropolitan newspaper, which is standard for a couple of writers I know.

I was also taught a lesson by some business major friends who became Maalox junkies because they were always trying to beat the system and still ended up in a federal litter box full of overdue fines. It was a hell of a way to learn not to amend their returns to reflect a few weeks in Cabo with an add-on extension trip to Costa Rica as legitimate business tax deductions, presumably in support of actively seeking gainful employment as time-share specialists. The last I heard from them, they were still trying to pay off their back taxes working as valets at a dive bar in Reno and temp guides for alien tours during the winter in Roswell, Arizona.

I don’t know why I find taxes taxing. I mean there are only, property, sales, income, luxury, estate, Social Security, road, gasoline, capital gains, value added, sin, airport, pet, import, export, brew, municipal, and general pain-in-the-butt levies. Next, they’ll be taxing our income tax refund … forget I said that.

For now, I’ll just chill for another week or two. It’s closing on mid-April and the frozen shroud hovering over our abode has managed to dump another 3 inches of snow, during which, we had the pleasure of a rolling 5.5 earthquake.

I’m sure that was some sort of warning to put on the brakes and spend more quality time perusing viable return options that won’t cause the IRS to convulse in uncontrollable mirth. Meanwhile, I’m back to pondering when I’ll touch the green, green grass of home again.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com

More in Life

These monster cookie-inspired granola bars are soft, chewy and tasty enough to disguise all the healthy nuts, oats and seeds. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
Fueling the fearless

My son’s adventurous nature unfortunately does not extend to his diet.

Isla Crouse stands with her award for winning the City of Soldotna’s “I Voted” Sticker Design Contest at the Soldotna Progress Days Block Party in Parker Park in Soldotna, Alaska, on Saturday, July 27, 2024. (Jake Dye/Peninsula Clarion)
Soldotna launches second annual ‘I Voted’ sticker design contest

The stickers will be distributed at city polling places.

A bagpiper helps kick off the Sweeney’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Monday, March 17, 2025, in Soldotna, Alaska. (Photo by Erin Thompson/Peninsula Clarion)
St. Patrick’s Day Parade brings out the green

The annual event featured decorated cars and trucks, youth marchers and decked-out celebrants.

After Red Cleaver, in 1959, helped Poopdeck Platt add 30 inches to the stern of his fishing vessel, the Bernice M, Platt took his boat out onto the waters of Kachemak Bay. (Photo courtesy of Ken Moore)
Poopdeck: Nearly a century of adventure — Part 5

Clarence Hiram “Poopdeck” Platt had already experienced two bad years in a row, when misfortune struck again in 1967.

This decadent, creamy tiramisu is composed of layers of coffee-soaked homemade lady fingers and mascarpone cheese with a cocoa powder topping. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
A fancy dessert for an extra-special birthday

This dessert is not what I usually make for his birthday, but I wanted to make him something a little fancier for 35

File
Minster’s Message: Will all things really work for your good?

Most of us have experienced having a door of opportunity or a door of happiness closed.

Larry Opperman, host of “Growing a Greener Kenai” radio show on local public radio station KDLL 91.9 FM, shows off a carrot. (Photo provided)
Local gardener shares love of growing on radio show

“Growing a Greener Kenai” runs the first and third Saturday of each month, starting April 5.

Attendees admire “Neon Poppies” by Chelline Larsen during the opening reception for “Infusion” at the Kenai Art Center in Kenai, Alaska, on Friday, March 7, 2025. (Jake Dye/Peninsula Clarion)
Finding fusion

Kenai Art Center juried show challenges artists to incorporate different elements into works.

Artwork by Daisy Jeffords and Morgan Chamberlain is displayed as part of “Secret Garden” during an opening reception at the Kenai Art Center in Kenai, Alaska, on Friday, March 7, 2025. (Jake Dye/Peninsula Clarion)
‘Bringing life into something forgotten’

Kenai Art Center’s rear gallery show steps in ‘Secret Garden’

Most Read