Ok, Denver Horse fans, I said I would be a believer if the Horses knocked off the Green Bay Packers last Sunday and they did that and then some. 77 yards! That’s how many — or I should say how few — passing yards Aaron Rodgers had against a dominant Horse defense. The 29-10 grating of cheese has forced the Sultan of Sides to acknowledge that Denver is the second-best team in the AFC; the Brady Bunch isn’t going anywhere. Not even Peyton’s perennial playoff collapse can screw this up, at least not until the AFC Championship game. That’s how good Denver’s defense has been. Congratulations Horse fans.
Another positive tally in week eight (7-4-2) improved our season mark to 58-53-6. The hard working men and women at Pigskin Prognostication Headquarters are finally feeling a bit of confidence after a disastrous two-week stretch in October left the column on life support. Rumors of the Clarion replacing the Sultan with rival prognosticator, Paul the Octopus, of World Cup Soccer fame, have been silenced for now.
CLEVELAND BROWNS @
Cincinnati Bengals -12.5
In a battle of regrettable orange uniforms the Cleveland Browns take the bus to Cincinnati to face the undefeated Bengals. Cleveland, is terrible, something Albert Einstein undoubtedly predicted using his Theory of Relativity. Johnny Manziel is replacing injured starter Josh McCown for the Browns and I have no clue what that means. It’s hard to imagine Cleveland pulling off the upset, but a late garbage time TD could get us a cover. Bengals win 24-14
GREEN BAY PACKERS @
Carolina Panthers +2.5
This is huge game in the race for the number one seed in the NFC playoffs. Green Bay was mysteriously knocked from the unbeaten ranks last Sunday, and they’ll look to do the same to a currently undefeated Carolina team this weekend. A Packers loss would essentially give the Panthers a three-game lead in the standings, because they would hold the head-to-head tiebreaker. We’re assuming Green Bay is aware of this. Packers win 27-24
Washington Redskins @
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -14.5
Do you remember the first time Native Americans encountered Patriots in New England? It didn’t turn out so hot for the “home team”. Now the Washington Native Americans have to go on the road to face modern day Patriots?! Terrifying! Tom Brady wins 30-7
Tennessee Titans @
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS -8.5
So all that chatter early in the year about Saints quarterback Drew Brees being finished… Yeh, that didn’t turn out to be correct. Brees threw 84 touchdown passes last week in a thrilling 52-49 victory over the New York Giants. New Orleans, winners in four of their last five contests, host a Tennessee team that just fired their coac h mid-week, after he posted a 3-20 mark over two seasons. Might as well make that that 3-21. Saints win 35-14
MIAMI DOLPHINS @
Buffalo Bills -3
It’s hard not to be down on the Canned Tuna after last week’s debacle against New England. Still, this is the same Dolphins team that posted back-to-back emphatic victories prior to the Patriots game, under the leadership of new coach, Dan Campbell. Bills boss Rex Ryan admitted this week that Campbell was the one coach in the NFL he couldn’t beat up in a fight. It’s too bad we won’t get to find out if that’s true. Buffalo is 1-3 at home ATS, and 0-3 as a favorite. This game is in Buffalo and the Bills are favored. Dolphins win 24-20
St. Louis Rams @
MINNESOTA VIKINGS -2.5
The 5-2 Minnesota Vikings are an impressive 6-1 ATS this season. You would expect some correction from Las Vegas Suits, sliding lines towards the Norsemen, but that’s obviously not the case this week with the spread less than a field goal. Goat fans can slow their roll on Todd Gurley’s Hall-of-Fame nomination. It’s only been four weeks! Expect the Vikings Adrian Peterson to show the young rusher what a Hall-of-Fame running back looks like this Sunday. Vikings 26-17
Jacksonville Jaguars @
New York Jets (no line)
Injuries continue to take their toll on Las Vegas books. As of this writing there is no listed line on the Jungle Kitten – Airplane matchup. Likely because of the questions surrounding injured Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick’s availability or possibly because nobody gives a damn about Jacksonville.
OAKLAND RAIDERS @
Pittsburgh Steelers -4
Speaking of injuries, Pittsburgh losing Le’Veon Bell might be the biggest injury news to date. The Steelers obviously aren’t the same team without their star rusher. Oakland is good. That’s not a typo. It’s hard to remember the last time the Raiders were relevant. Apparently it takes that long to recover from the late Al Davis. Amari Cooper is the next “best receiver is in the NFL” and Michael Crabtree is a nice compliment. Somewhere David Carr is wishing he had what his younger brother Derek currently has to work with. Raiders win 27-20
NEW YORK GIANTS @
Tampa Bay Bucs -1
It scares me to continue siding with road teams but you have to believe the Giants defense is going to bounce back after surrendering 52 points last week against the New Orleans Saints. Bucs QB Jameis Winston is not Drew Brees, that’s a step in the right direction. Young teams like Tampa struggle to string strong performances together. After last week’s riveting overtime victory in Atlanta, the Bucs are in a great spot for a letdown. Giants win 28-20
ATLANTA FALCONS @
San Francisco 49ers +7.5
Blaine Gabbert is the starting quarterback in San Francisco after the 49ers bench Colin Kaepernick. Gabbert is awful. News has leaked that 49ers owner Jed York forced the coaching staff to hold off on benching Kaepernick last week in St. Louis so Gabbert could debut against a “weak” Falcons defense instead. Wow. That’s bulletin board material if there ever was some. This is ugly. This won’t end well. Falcons win 45-3
DENVER BRONCOS @
Indianapolis Colts +5
Let’s keep riding the road sides! The Horses have earned my allegiance after last Sunday. Peyton Manning is a huge game away from breaking the NFL’s all-time passing record. A Horse victory will make Manning the winningest quarterback in NFL history. Obviously, there’s a lot on the line in Manning’s return to Indianapolis. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that Manning is going to do something spectacular, one last time, this Sunday. Something along 400-plus passing yards and five touchdowns will do. Horses win 42-17
Philadelphia Eagles @
DALLAS COWBOYS +2.5
The Cowboys will trot incapable passer Matt Cassel back out there after his abysmal performance last weekend led to a disheartening loss to Seattle. Dallas, at 2-5, has to have this game to stay relevant in Tony Romo’s absence. With Romo, this is a playoff caliber team. Chip Kelly’s Eagles are an odd case. Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford turned down a $72 million extension in the offseason. I bet he regrets doing that now. Cowboys win 23-20
Chicago Bears @
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -4
Somewhere out there in the vast expanses of the universe somebody cares about this game. I think… Da 2-5 Bears travel to San Diego to face the 2-6 Chargers. Both teams lost significant contributors on offense to injuries last week. The Bears will be without running back Matt Forte, San Diego won’t have Keenan Allen at wide receiver. I asked my dog to bark if he thought the Chargers would cover. He did, take that Paul the Octopus! Chargers win 31-24
