The Prince of Pigskin Prognostication is back to bless loyal Clarion faithful once again for the 2019 NFL (gambling) season. After spending the last three years on the sidelines, we’re better hydrated and more informed than ever. For those with short memories let’s recap some basic rules. All point spreads are taken from ESPN.com; There are some seedier websites out there with more timely spreads, but we’re trying to keep this wholesome for the kids. We’re picking which team will cover the point spread, not necessarily win the game. The line will be posted next to the home team; plus numbers indicate that the home team is an underdog, minus numbers mean the home team is a favorite. Selections will be listed in ALL CAPS! If none of the above makes sense to you, book an airline ticket to Las Vegas and talk to any person named Vinny or Guido.
Packers @ BEARS -3
It’s always hard to fade Aaron Rodgers, but the Cheese Heads start the year with a primetime game on the road, led by a first-year head coach. The Bears were a pleasant surprise in the NFC last season. I don’t trust Chicago QB Mitchell Trubisky, but at home, with arguably the top defense in the NFL, the smart money is on Da Bears! Bears win 27-19
BENGALS @ Seahawks -9.5
Disclaimer: I’m in love with the Seahawks… The Jungle Cats are going to be terrible this season. Folks in Cincinnati are clamoring for the Red Rocket experience to end. Who can blame them? Seattle is a notoriously slow starting group. Expect the Seahawks to win the game but it’s going to be closer than the spread suggests. Seahawks win 24-20
TITANS @ Browns -5
It seems like every human on earth is riding the Browns hype train. That makes sense when the Dawg Pound’s star QB is caught on TV at a baseball game lacerating a beer can with his teeth and chugging it Stone Cold Steve Austin style. There’s a lot of new faces in Cleveland though, and it may take some time for all the new pieces to mesh. Titans win 28-24
RAVENS @ Dolphins +6.5
This is where Americans admire the kickball game played over in Europe. Across the Atlantic, if your team is terrible, you get demoted to a lower league and replaced by someone better than you. Can we please replace the Canned Tuna with Alabama? Is there a single person that would be against this? Ravens win 30-13
FALCONS @ Vikings -4
The Norsemen feel like a team stuck in limbo, not good enough to win anything of importance, but not bad enough to blow it up. The Dirty Birds struggled a season ago, but those struggles were largely tied to injuries at key positions. Matt Ryan has arguably the top group of pass catchers in the league and star rusher Devonta Freeman returns. Falcons win 28-21
Bills @ JETS -3
The first rendition of the Toilet Bowl! I would watch this game if my only alternative activity was a visit to the dentist. It’s only week one but the stakes are high. Both teams badly need to lose this game to get a jump start on earning the first selection in next year’s NFL draft. Jets win 10-3
Redskins @ EAGLES -10
The biggest question facing a loaded Eagles roster is can QB Carson Wentz stay healthy? If Wentz plays all 16 games, expect the Fighting Cheesesteaks to battle for a top-2 seed in the NFC. If history repeats itself and Wentz is lost to injury again, Nick Foles is no longer around to bail the team out. The Native Americans are bad at football. Eagles win 33-14
RAMS @ Panthers +2.5
The City Goats shocked the football world last year earning a trip to the Super Bowl behind a high-powered offensive attack. Of course, everyone remembers how badly they choked in the Big Game, failing to score a single touchdown against an average Patriots defense. I took zero enjoyment watching that, I promise. Rams win 27-14
CHIEFS @ Jaguars +3.5
Kansas City has Patrick Mahomes. Jacksonville does not have Patrick Mahomes. That’s the kind of in-depth analysis you can expect from this column all season long! Chiefs win 38-21
Colts @ CHARGERS -6.5
The football world was shocked when star Colts QB Andrew Luck surprisingly retired near the end of the preseason. Luck still in the prime of his career and at the height of his earning power walked away from football, citing repeated injuries. Hard to imagine the Colts overcoming this setback. Chargers win 30-20
Giants @ COWBOYS -7
The Fighting Jerry’s just inked star rusher Ezekiel Elliot to a new massive contract just in time for week one. The real roster decision facing the team is what to do with QB Dak Prescott. Fortunately for Jerry fans, that decision is still likely a year away. Eli Manning’s corpse is still passing the football for the Giants. This is the football equivalent to the film Weekend at Bernie’s. Cowboys win 27-10
LIONS @ Cardinals -2.5
This matchup was a strong contender for this week’s Toilet Bowl. The Lions are about as boring as it gets, they still have Matt Stafford under center, that makes them sort of fun, I guess? The Desert Bats have a bad college coach at the wheel with a rookie quarterback that’s so short he makes Russell Wilson look like Wilt Chamberlain. Lions win 17-14
49ers @ BUCCANEERS even
Can we make an argument for contraction in the NFL? Another game that leaves much to be desired. Vegas has this game as a pick’em. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the Pirates. The 49ers are a total mystery though. Is the quarterback good? He gets paid like a good quarterback, but I’m not convinced. Bucs win 26-24
Steelers @ PATRIOTS -5.5
Congratulations to Tom Brady for spanking father time over his surgically enhanced knee. The Clam Chowder quarterback has somehow improved in his 40’s? None of this makes sense. Is he an alien? A cyborg? I don’t think we’ll ever know the truth until we get new Ancient Aliens episodes on the History Channel in the year 3476. Patriots win 29-20
TEXANS @ Saints -7
All my fantasy football hopes depend on the Texans this season. I have Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins on my team, so pretty much I’m banking on them hooking up for scores all season long. The Saints transitioned into a rushing-oriented team last year indicating QB Drew Brees may not be able to carry the offense like he used to do. Saints win 28-27
BRONCOS @ Raiders even
I wouldn’t be surprised if the city of Oakland paid the Raiders to leave for Las Vegas mid-season after the clown show of a training camp we just witnessed on HBO’s Hard Knocks. The Mountain Donkeys are bad, Joe Flacco isn’t taking a team anywhere, but at least they seem less dysfunctional than the Raiders. Broncos win 14-9
•By Nolan Rose, For the Peninsula Clarion
